Cthulhu, (pronounced Koo-thoo-loo) is a Faceless One originating from somewhere in the whereabouts of Dragonblight, whose favourite pasttime is enslaving unsuspicious creatures, but mostly humanoids. (Regarding creatures, see Squirrel, the Bringer of Hell.)
Bitches, bling, and missing eyes: a preludeEdit
A long, long time ago, when everyone were small children, or rather, hard unborn fetuses, there was a guy around.
His name was
Now, N'zoth was in some tight business, usually referred to as being a God. And that was a long time ago, hence the title "Old God".
Now, if there was a game that this here gentleman of a God excelled at, it was driving people batshit bongos.
Him and his two homeboy brothers, C'thun and Yogg-saron, would often go about an tease Neltharion, the warden of the Earth, unfortunatly driving him insane.
But then, at some point, it got a little dull. Not the kind of dull you get from attending your science class, more the kind of dull you get from not hanging out at all those cool fratboy parties which are held every other weekend.
So they decided to have a party, and sculpted these here tentacly fiends out of the earth, and so came the faceless one to life.
At least that's how I recall it happen, but noone really knows for sure!
These abominations were, however, pretty quickly thrown underground, locked beneath the ice and mud with their creators. Were it not for the nerubians, they would've stayed down there, too!
Of all these somewhat identical troopers of the great grand bland oblivion, we have Cthulhu.
How it comes to be that this guy came to Azeroth, and why you shouldn't really care, and spoil the fun for all of us hardworking wanting-to-be neckbeardsEdit
So, this Yoggy-McSaron guy is chilling in his underground crib, all cool. The nerubians (read: total morons) decided to dig too deep, and expose his lair, so that he got the chance to send up minions and turn people insane, and accidentally give the Scourge a source of Saronite, but whatever.
Yoggy slowly grew tired of not knowing what the shit was going on outside of his crib, so he grabbed one of his totally random spawns and said "Ya name's Cthulhu, bitch, now gtfo n get me teh lewt", so Cthulhu went like "OKAY." so he went and wet himself on the platform and surfaced and shit.
Now, there's a good bit of time where he stumbled around the place, not really being ten-four on what the hell was up, so he ended up killing a random draenei, and getting down with illusion-magic and stuff like that. So he was all disguised and shit.
Afterwards, he rolled a natural d20, and was succesful in casting a one-man-teleportation-magiggity, and landing in the Eastern Kingdoms. This was pretty cash.
After a while, he met a human called Bruce. This is actually not important until later, if it even is important, because Bruce handled shit himself. He was basically the man, and his blood-red staff made sure that everyone knew. And they did.
Cthulhu did, however, meet alot of people, Malorna being one of the most noticable, quickly followed by Hades, Elysa, Bruce of course, Charlotte, etcetera.
All these people contributed to turning him into what he is today, which isn't entirely negative, I guess.
So Cthulhu was all cool and going good until we skipped in time, and went to this Dun Modr-incident. Basically, guys made fortress, shit went nuts when the Horde attacked, Cthulhu was caught in the mess, and had to heal some of those good-doing hoomenz, and didn't get chance to mindcontrol because he had not had chance and weed and smoke. Cthulhu healed the good-doer warriorguise, and while being into all this mindboggling healer-action, some random journalist rushed in, but noone believed what she had seen, and she was probably hanged for attempting to betray her fellow allies, and probably for heresy as well. Anyways, after a while, it was all pretty good. People had died, but the battle was kind of over, and people were happy and all that stuff. It was very fluffy, much like those feel-good movies, but then
OH MY GOD
A FUCKING DEMON APPEARED
And I shit you not, a fucking eredar appears, asplodes the whole village beyond any damage an explosive nuclear device could have done, and proceeds to teleport away or some shit like that. Also, some little girl was riding the eredar, which added a whole new layer to the mindfuck. At first everyone was like "...", but then shit really hit the fan when Rasrors announced his character to die, and then they were like "OH LOL ;D", but he lied, and came back later. He did, however, spawn a serverside-meme, which was about the mythical Gryphonheart custom item, by the name of [Corpse of Rasrors]. Actually, Cthulhu did secretly enjoy Rasrors' death, but noone cared, really. Also, modern science has discovered that their science is modern.
When Shit went cash, and did not hit the fan for a whileEdit
So, there was this long period of time where Cthulhu just ran around with the gang of Shalari and Elysa and stuff, and then crazy went dingdong, and he suddenly found this Kaskein-guy, but maybe that was before Dun Modr, but caring is dungs, and noones does, so let's write anyways.
So this Kaskein-guy was pretty cool. He was like fel-elf, but had a refugee for outsiders and stuff, and Cthulhu felt like this was evil-plot-place, so he went and went and found and lived there, but nagas attacked, but then not, and Kaskein went missing, so Cthulhu had to go find other place, and was tired, wet on platform but accepted. All in all, this stuff was unfortunate, but Cthulhu is evil, so did not care.
However, cash went shit when fans were hit by Malorna, and Cthulhu was slapped by McSaron's major Fist of Insanity, and told to go resurrect this good ol' heraldess, because something had happened, and noone knew what was, but die and stuff, so yeah. By his awesome expertise in killing people, Cthulhu gathered some sacrificial hoomenz, and killed them. Then it all went "CAROUSEL", like that guy from FEAR 2 that spirals up into the ceiling and asplodes, and Malorna's brain was put into a new body. Why the sacrifices were needed is a question left unanswered. But noone cared.
Cthulhu did save the day, and now, they all spread chaos and stuff, and they are pretty happy about it. That's just about it for now.